I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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