Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
