Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Don't EVER smell your tampon
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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