that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
