and she was petting her beer can
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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