If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
