I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
