I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
