I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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