His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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