sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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