mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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