I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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