I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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