i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
