Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
