you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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