In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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