I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The beer is more important than you right now.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
