Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
