I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
