In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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