I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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