Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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