considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
my poor anus
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
