I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
