I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just invented taco cereal.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
