i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
