The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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