A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
