I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
