I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
