The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My penis needs a shock collar
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
