Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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