Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
