The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
