he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
stop calling my apartment porn island.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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