I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We talked him into tasing himself.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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