I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
