Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
