the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
