Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
