I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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