Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
