we'll go far in life on tits alone.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
