I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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