the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
