I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize