I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
