just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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