A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
