her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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