i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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