Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize