my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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