I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
