Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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