bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just threw up on my dentist
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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