I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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