how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
we're so committed to being not committed
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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