The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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