I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
