Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
