I never want to see another naked old woman again.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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